2005-05-16 - 11:36 a.m.

A couple of weeks ago my future sister-in-law approached my husband at a show he was at without me – I didn’t feel like going, so he had a boys’ night out – to ask why I don’t like her, etc. He assured her that I do like her (and I do…or did – but there were times that she rubbed me the wrong way and I am truly sorry that I couldn’t keep a poker face enough to hide that from her). I found out about it and she knew I knew. Since then, I had been basically kissing her ass when I saw her. I was as sweet as pie on Mother’s Day asking about her wedding plans, I chatted with her on Saturday afternoon about wedding rings at my grandparents’ memorial, and hugged and hung out with her Saturday night at my brother’s band’s show. So, I was just assuming that we were both letting bygones be bygones and that it was water under the bridge. I was relieved because I don’t want strife in my family and I love my brother and want him to be happy.

So, when the band’s set was over and I was hanging out having one last beer with my husband and she asked me to come outside with her to talk, I was like “oh shit” but figured that things were okay now and that I could play it all off and be calm. I was also the designated driver so I was sober. She was not. In fact, she rarely is. We got things out in the open and I told her that I was really disappointed that she went to my husband instead of directly to me and that she needs to understand that married couples share everything with each other and that it was really unrealistic of her to think my husband would not tell me what she said about me. We cleared the air. There was an example of a night we were all out and she and my husband were talking about football right as the band went on. I turned back to the stage because not only was the band starting (der) but I have nothing whatsoever to contribute to a football conversation. I don’t care for the sport, know next to nothing about it and simply don’t care about it. As I turned back to the stage she asked my husband if I was mad at her. I knew about that example and brought it up to her explaining the way it really was and she understood. I told her I would be more conscious of her feelings and make sure to be friendly to her at all times.

I did, however, become upset when she told me that my husband agreed with her that I give off bad vibes. I wanted out of the conversation – she had me in her car in the parking lot of the club – and out of her car. We had cleared the air and I was done going in circles. She had ruined my time and I just wanted to go home. I finally escaped, found my husband and we left. I explained to him how hurt I was that he would not defend me to her and that he was basically agreeing that I am not a nice person. We worked it out, he thought he was doing the right thing by smoothing her ruffled feathers and kissing her ass in order to keep the peace. As we were driving home, she called my cell to tell me that she felt awful that I was upset with my husband. I told her things were fine, we’d worked it out. It then got back to me and her, how I make her feel. I asked her for an example because other than the football thing that we’d already gone over, I really did not have a concrete example of a time that I had made her feel bad or hurt her feelings. If I don’t know what makes her feel bad, how can I consciously fix the situation in the future?

So, she hesitantly told me that I stole her wedding song. I already knew this as she caused a scene by crying at my wedding. Mind you, she was not even engaged at my wedding. Also, it’s been almost ten months. I calmly explained to her that up until about 2 weeks before the wedding, we were going with an entirely different song but when my husband approached me about this song, I agreed to make the switch after to listening to it a few times. After all, I had arranged all the details of the wedding and who was I to deny my husband this one request. I heard dead silence on the other end after I talked for a couple of minutes nonstop about this and when I looked at my cell phone, realized that we were no longer connected. I didn’t know if she hung up on me or we got disconnected or what but I opted to just let it go.

She, however, did not and I discovered that she called me a few more times after we had been home and in bed. She left a message saying that she’d talked to my brother and that everything was fine with us, she didn’t want to argue. I called her back in the morning and after playing phone tag a few times, we connected. And so it began again. I stupidly asked if she had heard what I’d said about the song, she hadn’t, so I explained the story again. She was surprised to hear that I’ve known about this since my wedding day. She went on to tell me that one night last March we were all at her apartment and she played that song and danced with my brother five times, proclaiming that it was to be their wedding song. I seriously do not remember that. I honestly did not know the song until my husband played it for me two weeks before our wedding. Also, my brother was passed out in her bed for the majority of the time we were at her apartment.

She just wouldn’t let it go. I apologized to her over and over again telling her I truly had no idea and that I wouldn’t intentionally do that. I also reminded her that I didn’t even know the song back then and really did not remember her dancing with my brother. I asked what she wanted me to do – it’s been ten months, I can’t take it back, it wasn’t intentional. I referred to this as “a pissing contest over a fucking song” and she went off on me that it isn’t a fucking song, it was her wedding song, and I knew it. She told me to ask her friend, who knows that that is exactly what happened. I told her that I’d rather not involve a third party since that is how we got to this point in the first place. She said I forced her to tell me about the song on the phone the night before by badgering her for an example of how I am not nice to her. She told me she doesn’t argue with people and that I am mean. She told me that she doesn’t have another example of how I am mean, it’s just a feeling. She is sensitive and I say sarcastic things to her like, “Come on, (name).” I am mean because every time she sees me, I am in a fight with my husband. I told her that that had nothing to do with her. I said that if she can’t have a relationship with me, then so be it. She told me she cannot because I am just a mean person who degrades her….and then she hung up on me.

Needless to say, I am all set. I find her really unreasonable and immature. I do not want to be in their wedding next summer and I am pretty sure I will not even be there. I know that I need to take the high road for my brother’s sake, but right now I feel attacked and that I was backed into a corner and forced into a situation that was better off left alone. I am still in shock that the whole thing happened.

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