2005-03-03 - 11:57 a.m.

This morning I was instant messaging with a co-worker here at “Boston based company that recently announced it was being sold to the larger competition and laying off 6,000 employees,” answering a work related question for her. In the midst of the conversation, she asked how I liked my new job (I made a lateral move back in September). I told her I was enjoying the challenges but that it had its good days and bad days. Her reply sort of blew me away. She said, “I think you're doing fine. It seems as though you are enjoying the challenges. It looks good on you. You seem happier than before. Maybe with the new position and hubby you have found the joy you have been waiting for. Have a wonderful day and may you succeed in all your endeavors.” I can’t help but wonder about how others perceive me. Do I come off as this negative, unhappy person all the time? I know I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have a terrible poker face – you almost always know or can guess what I am thinking or feeling. This actually ties in to discussions (I’ll call them) with my husband lately. Actually, we have them all the time. He snaps at me that I’m such a negative person, that I’m never satisfied. I have been giving this a lot of thought these past couple of weeks. I think it comes down to my type A personality and my perfectionism. I simply always want and actually need things to be perfect. Perfect to me is “my way” and I know it. That has been my and our biggest struggle these past 13 months of living together (never mind throwing a less than neat or cleanly teenager into the mix full time and 2 young boys some of the time). I pride myself on having a neat and clean home. I believe that everything has its place. I have trouble “coping” or feeling normal if my physical surroundings are in chaos. Since we are remodeling our kitchen and dining room, things have been very chaotic. The refrigerator is in the family room, all of our dishes, glasses, utensils and food are packed in boxes in the living room. Every night I come home from work to something new and the place is just a mess. I just simply cannot wait until this project is done, but this will be so worth it. In the meantime, I need to work on my coping skills at home as well as at work, it seems. I also have to work on that poker face of mine. Good luck to me.

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