2004-04-23 - 9:51 a.m.

My mother is having a hysterectomy next Thursday, because she was recently diagnosed with endometrial cancer. I'm really scared for her although my doctor friend tells me that everything will be okay and that this type of cancer is extremely curable with the surgery. That makes me feel a lot better, but I'm still nervous, of course.

The thing is, other than C and my doctor friend, I haven't told anyone about this. I have been uncharacteristically holding it all in. Maybe it's good, I don't know. I come here to vent my emotions because it tends to be a lot more constructive than starting (yet another) fight with C about what is on my mind. This is different though. I can't imagine a stupid argument about my fears for my mother. I guess maybe I just don't allow myself to wallow in it for fear that once the tears start, they will not stop. I know it's a useless waste of time to fret about this too much until the surgery. I also truly believe in the power of positive thinking when it comes to such things. Still, it seems weird not to be talking about this whole thing. I overhear my co-workers discussing another employee that they are working on a project with (I do not know or work with this man) whose wife has cancer and who was also recently diagnosed himself. It makes me sad and scared for my mother but I find it damn near impossible to actually form sentences of intelligent and intelligible words describing what I'm thinking and feeling.

I would be completely lost without my mother. She is the glue that holds the whole family together. I often talk to her about my challenges in my relationship with C and my future step-motherhood. She is truly the kindest, most thoughtful person I know (and I know I'm biased, and she's my Mom and all, but this is the consensus, trust me). She's also really fun and funny. Going to a Red Sox game or on vacation with her is always a fun time. She can be silly and goofy and doesn't care what other people think - which can be slightly embarrassing to me as a thirty-something, so imagine my teenage reaction - but I've learned to appreciate it for what it is, and people love her. She's deeply religious and spiritual, and while I might not still practice our religion or necessarily agree with the teachings of the Church, I admire her tenacity and strong beliefs. This woman should be sainted.

If she was not here for my wedding (which is 3 months from tomorrow!), I just don't know what I'd do. I'm not sure I could even go through with it. She's so excited for the whole thing and lots and lots of her friends are coming. If she were not able to come, God forbid, I think I'd cancel the whole thing and just do a quick ceremony at the town hall or something, with just me and C there. I would never make it through the day missing my mother so much. I shouldn't think this way and it's making me so emotional even typing these words. What was that I was saying about positive thinking?

I want my mother to know that I'm concerned and thinking about her and all of this but if I tell her my fears, then I'm sure I'll make things worse. She's already concerned and worried enough herself, having someone else lay the burden of their own worry on her is not fair. It's too much. I need to be strong and I guess the way I do that is to keep it to myself. I just hope and pray that Thursday goes well and that she's quickly on the road to recovery.

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