2004-03-24 - 9:50 a.m.

I don't know what's going on with me and C right now. It might be totally over. I hope in a day or two (or an hour or two) I can read this again and think about how much I totally over-reacted and that this was just a bump in the road. I just don't know this time. He told me that he just can't go on like this, that I was meant to be single, that I'm always miserable and that just makes him feel like a failure. He said he's always happy (except for right now) and that he always loves me but that my misery is too much to take.

It all started Monday night. He and his daughter had plans to go to the movies after work and we'd talked earlier in the day about just having a quick dinner before they left. When I got home, he had just gotten out of the shower and A (daughter) was on the computer, like she always is. All of a sudden, I was just in a pissy mood. I felt like they just sit around doing nothing, waiting for me to come home from my 11 hour day of commuting and work, to cook and clean and take care of things. I told C when he asked, that I was just in a bad mood, and that I'd get over it. I really, really tried to just let it go and get over it. Things just got worse as time went on. C was needling me to tell him what was bothering me. A came down to dinner, sat, and started eating before C & I made it to the table. I don't know, that just chapped my ass. I thought it was rude...like she treats us like her servants. It's stupid, I know.

C told me while we were getting ready for work yesterday that I didn't have to cook for them any more, that the two of them would take care of themselves and I could do whatever I wanted. We talked a little more about it on the phone at work yesterday and I said I'd prefer not to have all of my co-workers overhear the conversation. So, when I got home last night, C had dinner almost all ready. I assumed it was for he and A, since that's what he'd said in the morning, but we all sat and ate together. A comes to the table, eats, chats a bit, and leaves. She doesn't thank whoever cooked, she doesn't offer to clean up, she just does whatever the hell she pleases. So, C and I talked a bit after she went back upstairs and I tried to calmly and rationally explain why I was annoyed the night before and how I don't feel appreciated, especially by A. I thought I was being calm and not accusatory but he got offended and hurt. I can totally understand his being on the defensive about his daughter, especially because I told him that I blame him for raising her to not have manners. I don't know how else I could have expressed it, other than to just not express it at all.

I thought things were okay after that but when we were cleaning up, we had a little tiff about the coffee maker and that was the end of that. He went up to the bedroom to watch the hockey game and told me he didn't want to talk to me. I spent the night dusting, sweeping the floors, cleaning our bathroom, putting away laundry and watching TV alone. When I went up to bed, later than usual, C was asleep.

During that time alone, I did a lot of thinking. I really wish that I could take a look at my 14-year-old self. I mean, maybe I wasn't as perfect as I make myself out to be when comparing myself to A. I feel like I had chores that I was responsible for and I did them. I also managed to get pretty good grades, keep up with my extra-curricular activities, and earned money by babysitting. I feel like I thanked my mother for cooking dinner and often offered to set the table, help with cooking, etc. I know I shared wash-dry-sweep duties with my two brothers where we had a weekly rotating schedule. I made my bed every day and kept my room relatively clean (although I hated dusting, and still do). But, I didn't even know how to do laundry until I went away to college and had to learn and A does her own laundry. C says that he just wants her to concentrate on settling into her new school and to get good grades. I told him last night that that's not even working since she only has 4 classes and she's flunking math. He said that she's not comfortable going into any rooms in the house...."except her room, the computer room, and the bathrooms." I replied, "...and the kitchen and the dining room - what's left?" It started to turn into a pissing contest, which I was really trying to avoid.

This morning, he told me he just can't take it any more. He says he can't even sit on the couch and relax in his own home for fear that I'll be thinking he's lazy or that he should be doing something around the house. He told me that he knows he doesn't make me happy and that I need to either be alone or find someone else to make me happy. He thinks I'm miserable and he just can't go on like this. Honestly, I don't feel miserable at all. I thought I was doing really well at adjusting to living with other people after living alone for so long. Does my ass get chapped by stupid little things that mean nothing in the big scheme of life? Yup. Do I think these incidents are a deal breaker, a reason to end a relationship? Of course not. But if C can't take it, then he has no reason to stay. If my annoyance (not misery) is too much for him and he's unhappy and his daughter is not comfortable in her new home, they have a great reason to leave. If their lives were better off before, staying at his mother's house, then they need to get back that old life and who am I to stop them?

I guess I had it wrong all along. I thought C could bear with me while I worked it out internally. I have been trying, really trying to let all the petty bullshit go. I know that what I consider a mess and what he considers a mess are vastly different. But, I really feel that if I think something is gross or dirty or whatever, then it's up to me to clean it since my tolerance is so low. I now completely regret telling him about the reason for my pissy mood on Monday but I can't take it back. Did I think my work was done? Hell no! I know I get annoyed and that my poker face is non-existent. I try really hard to keep stupid stuff like that to myself. I'm the one who is the failure. I have failed at my goal of making a happy home, I have failed at keeping my fiancé happy, I have failed this relationship miserably. Maybe I am meant to be single. I certainly don't feel like I deserve what I have (or at least had yesterday).

So, I don't know what's going on. I told C that I'd put the house on the market and that if he'd already decided that he wanted out, that he couldn't stay at the house one more night. I told him I'd call my mother to cancel the luncheon scheduled in a couple of weeks for our two families to meet and to cancel my shower (whenever that is) because she doesn't need any added stress right now (she was recently diagnosed with endometrial cancer and is having a hysterectomy in about a month.... the subject of another entry sometime soon, and more importantly, the source of more angst for all of us) and that I'd cancel the wedding to alleviate the stress on my parents' wallet. C told me he doesn't care at all about my parents' wallet right now.

Then he left for work and here I am at my own desk. I did arrive to a voice mail message from him telling me that he was really sorry about the way he expressed himself, that he could have been nicer, even though he really feels the way he said. He said that he could see in my eyes how hurt I was and even then he wanted to give me a kiss. He said that he won't call me again because I told him that I hate when we discuss these things while I'm at work for all of my co-workers to hear. I guess it's up to me to call back but I don't know what to say. Again, I don't feel miserable (well, except for right now), but I guess I'm making him feel like I am. That's not very effective communication, then, is it?

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