2004-03-09 - 9:11 a.m.

I am so totally exhausted, I just can't stand it. I would have thought that I'd be adjusted to my new schedule, my new home and my new life by now (it's been 5 1/2 weeks). I feel like I am, I feel settled, but I'm just so damn tired all the time. Anyway, I really wanted to stop by for a quick update.

We had a breakthrough the day after I wrote my last entry. A now not only acknowledges my presence but talks to me even when her father is not around. I'm not saying that we're best friends or anything nor am I 100% happy with the fact that she lifts not a finger to help around the house but we're definitely making progress and that makes me happy and therefore it makes C happy. I hope it makes A happy, too. I think in time, I will feel comfortable enough to ask her to do the things I want her to...and it's not a lot, trust me. Once we're to that point, and I hope it's soon, there will be a lot less tension.

I know I'm the source of the tension in the house and I really do try to keep a lid on it. The problem is that not only so I have an absolutely horrendous poker face, but C knows me so well, that he can sense when things are bothering me. Damn him!

C's son, the older of the two, who is six, is really upsetting me. He's simply angry every time he's at our house. I don't know if it's that he's now sharing his Dad with me (they used to spend all their time alone together before we bought the house) and he doesn't like it or if his mother is feeding him bullshit or what. It's really upsetting C so I'm just devastated by it. I really think they need to get him counseling before it gets worse and we all suffer. I know I personally just can't wait to get away from there when the whining, anger and crying is going on. That's no way to live, in my opinion.

So, while I really think that a lot of progress has been made and will continue to be made in the house for the three of us living there, there's still a lot more going on that must be dealt with. I guess I'm glad that we're working on this stuff before the wedding and hopefully things will be mostly settled by July. Still, things are difficult for me and as hard as I try, I still don't feel very successful. That's really hard to deal with. I'm used to success and things being easy. As my father told me the other day when I was talking to my parents a bit about this, this relationship will be the biggest challenge of my life. I just hope I can do it.

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