2004-03-04 - 4:02 p.m.

I've been struggling a bit with this whole stepmother thing, especially when it comes to A (C's daughter), and I feel really bad. I feel awkward around her, like not sure what to say. When I do talk to her, I get one-word answers. I know that's just part of being a teenager, I really do, but part of me just doesn't feel like trying any more. I know that's stubborn and immature - I'm the adult here, right? Anyway, C expressed concern to me the other night and he wanted to get it all out in the open, even though I've been telling him for weeks (and remember, it's been just shy of 5 weeks that we've all lived together) that it takes time and I want to gradually ease into this. He wanted to force us to all love each other and live happily ever after, and I just think forcing it will make it all worse in the long run. He and I went back and forth and there was a lot of tension between us for a couple of days. It sucks. The thing is, I feel like I really have been putting a lot of effort into it and it's still not enough. I feel stressed out and exhausted all the time.

I discovered A's online journal the other day and have read most of it and what I've read has made my heart sink. Part of me wishes I never found it (by the way, I stumbled upon it on our home computer simply by dropping down the history on the address bar...she took no precautions in keeping it a secret in this way or by disguising her user name) and part of me is intrigued in finding out what new stuff she's got going on that I'd never know about otherwise. I feel bad in some way, and part of me is dying to tell C, but I am forcing myself not to. Like, how would that go? I run to him like to tattle-tale little sister, she gets in trouble, and hates me forever? Not exactly the smartest plan at this point. Plus, part of me really enjoys being a voyeur even though I feel guilty and afraid of the next thing I might read and how I would handle the knowledge. But, I just...can't...stop!

People at work are constantly asking me if I plan to start having kids right away after the wedding (a co-worker got married in December and is due in September and this is prompting the question) and that stresses me out. Right now, I don't want to have to even think about dealing with a whiny, needy, selfish child who grows up to be a surly teenager who skips school, drinks, smokes cigarettes and has sex. Ugh. I never thought I'd feel that way and it really makes me sad. I felt so overwhelmed when asked today that I had to excuse myself from the conversation and sit down at my desk.

I'm just so overwhelmed.

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