2004-02-10 - 11:52 a.m.

More on my new life:

I am exhausted, having trouble sleeping. Part of it is the new house and having a nightly bedmate (although C and I spent every weekend together, I always slept better on my own) but part of it is the habits of my new family. They sleep with TVs and lights on and I am such a light sleeper, I just can't take it. I was awake from before one until after three this morning because of C's daughter's blaring TV from her room. I finally woke him up and he went and turned it down for me. I feel awful that I'm so high maintenance and that I can't just take care of this myself - I'm just not comfortable with stuff like this yet.

I'm really struggling with a lot of the day-to-day living things. There are times when I feel awkward and out of place in my own home. I feel out of control, like I'm not fully in command of my life and my living situation. Ironically, I look forward to getting to work because I have complete control of the little world that is my cube and my desk. My schedule remains the same. I get coffee with the same people at the same place each morning. I go to the gym and take the same spinning class each day at the same time.

I tell myself that I will eventually feel more in control at home, that I just need to ride the storm. I know that if these are my biggest problems in life then poor me. I have a wonderful fiancé, a beautiful home and am very happy and content in my relationship and the life we are building together.

C's sons came and stayed with us Friday night and it was very trying and challenging to me. I am not used to 5- and 6-year-old boys who punch each other, run everywhere like a stampede of elephants and cannot let their father out of their sight. The constant crying of the older one nearly made me scream. I realize I have no patience, that I want my own way. I feel awful for being annoyed with little children who just want to enjoy themselves at their Dad's house. I feel selfish on a daily basis. I've begun to really dislike myself while at the same time, C does nothing but love me and try to please me. In fact, he bends over backwards to please me, to make sure I'm happy, that the kids don't do anything wrong. He yells at his daughter every day in an effort to make her do things that don't displease me. That makes me feel guilty but at the same time I'm happy that she's conforming. Oh what a tangled web I weave!

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