2003-10-17 - 9:37 a.m.

I am so sad about the Red Sox losing last night, even though a part of myself never really thought they'd win last night and move on to the World Series. I'm not saying I didn't want it, I'm saying I didn't want to be all cocky about it. I also taught myself a really long time ago to not get my hopes up. That comes from making it past 30 without a life partner and trying, trying, trying, to find him. Yes, we all know I found him now (one year ago this coming Monday, to be exact) but that doesn't mean that I don't still have that innate "don't get your hopes up" thing going on. Maybe it also comes from being a Red Sox fan for life. Still, I literally cried when the Sox lost. I just wanted it so badly for them, and for us here in Red Sox Nation. It was a fun 7 games, though, that's for sure.

It's funny reading other Bostonians' diaries to see their perspective on the whole "Red Sox might just make it to the World Series" thing. We all have different views and opinions. Of course, at work, everyone discusses it almost to the extreme; but reading about it in diaries of people I don't know in real life is pretty cool, I think. I guess it's that we're all going through the same thing at the same time but have completely different upbringings, backgrounds and lives which lead to vastly different points of view. Pretty cool.

So, back to my and C's one-year anniversary on Monday. I am just absolutely thrilled that we've made it this far. There have been some ups and downs but we've always worked together to get through the issue at hand. We're both committed to making this relationship work and that's a great feeling. As for presents, we set a dollar limit and I was actually sticking to it (I'm putting together something homemade in addition to a few store-bought gifts) until C asked last night if we could cut the limit in half because he's broke. A really big part of me thinks he's trying to throw me off because he's going to propose and of course the ring will cost way more than the limit we have set, but a small part of me keeps clawing through and shouting not to get my hopes up (wow, a theme). I am now trying to coach myself not to get disappointed when this doesn't happen.

There are reasons why I think he's going to propose but I am afraid to put them in writing for fear of the jinx factor (I'll just tell you that the woman who introduced us came up to me last Saturday at the Street Dogs show and asked to see my ring. I won't yet get into the humiliation I felt nor the severe outpouring of emotion I subjected poor C to.). Yes, as a lifelong Red Sox fan, I'm well aware of superstitions and jinxes. So, I'm just going to be careful. I think that's best. Maybe if I shave my head and go around telling C to "Cowboy Up" he'll get down on one knee and propose?

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