2003-08-13 - 11:20 a.m.

So, last week, the day after my birthday in fact, I got an e-mail from an old friend - one with whom I'd had a falling out. It felt really weird to see her name in my e-mail inbox and I read and re-read her message several times. She basically wanted to know what happened, saying she figured she knew (and she was right).

See, this gal and I became friends a few years ago, after getting to know each other online as part of a Yahoo group for my brother's band (the one that broke up but has recently reunited). By the time we met in person, we'd been e-mailing back and forth, in addition to posting on the message board, and were friendly. She lived in Western Mass. so we didn't see each other very often - usually just at shows in Boston. After meeting in person, we became closer and even drove to NJ together for a fun weekend with a band we know through my brother's band.

Then she moved to LA. We managed to keep in touch through e-mail, instant messages, regular mail and phone calls. She helped me through a bad breakup with the NJ guy I was dating and we went through a lot together. She often referred to me as one of her best friends. So, last Christmas she was coming home for a couple of weeks and we had plans to see each other. I invited her to stay at my place for the time she'd be in Boston (the majority of her time, understandably, would be spent with her family in Western Mass.) and she accepted. So, I was hurt and pissed that she never got in touch with me while she was here at all. I was further angered by her lack of contact after she returned to LA. That's right, not once did she call or e-mail to explain that she was too tied up with family or whatever to come to Boston and thank you anyway, but I won't be able to take you up on that generous offer to stay with you.

So, I tried to get past it, to let it go. I mean, I was baffled at the lack of contact and felt that she clearly didn't take our friendship seriously. So much for best friends.

Then in February, C and I went to see my brother's (new) band in Providence (the night after the fire at The Station, I recall) and lo and behold, there she was. I was shocked and, frankly, still pissed. I didn't want to talk to her and I certainly didn't feel that she deserved to be introduced to C. I did make small talk and asked what brought her back to the East Coast but kept the conversation very short and did not offer any information about myself or my life. She did come up to me at one point, later when C was in the men's room, and said something like, "You can't still be that pissed at me." I sloughed it off telling her that I had no reason to be pissed (kind of stupid, I know, but I just didn't feel like dealing with it and I no longer felt she was worth my time and energy).

That was the last I heard from her at all until last Tuesday. I thought a lot about what she said in her note, talked it over with C, and replied back that she was right about why we hadn't talked and that I was surprised to hear from her after all these months. Her story is basically that she was going through something (which she chooses not to get into) that made her inconsiderate but that she's better now. Trust me, I know I'm taking a really large leap in getting back into things with her, but I'm trying to be the bigger person. So, we're now e-mailing each other, filling each other in and stuff but I'm really wary and cautious. The ball is currently in my court, she sent the last e-mail, and I'm getting cold feet. I just don't know if I want to put myself on the line here. I keep telling myself to take it slow, not get too close, etc. but I don't think I am capable of having such a superficial relationship, at least not with someone that I was once close with. C thinks it should be easy since she lives so far away. I see how he thinks that way but I just don't know if I'm capable. I'm too sensitive, I take things to heart. I don't heal as easily from such hurts as I'd like, as quickly as other people do.

I was sort of hoping that writing about this situation here might help me to work this out in my mind but I'm not sure. I guess I'll keep going with the "what have you been up to?" trail of e-mails and see what happens. I just don't want to get in too deep for fear of getting hurt. Jeez, this is starting to feel like the start of a dating relationship where you play it safe and keep your guard up while acting witty, charming and lighthearted.

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