2003-06-15 - 12:36 p.m.

I'd like to wish my boyfriend, C, a Happy Father's Day. See, I screwed up once again and didn't get him a card or present. This moronic move from the woman who buys cards for every goddamn occasion there is and even more for non-occasions. I suck, bottom line. The reason? I just felt weird. I went to the store on Friday and saw all the sub-categories of Father's Day cards and none of them fit. There were no "Happy Father's Day to the man that I love who has kids by another woman" cards anywhere in sight. Were there generic Father's Day cards that would have been suitable? Probably. Nothing struck my fancy, I started to feel weird and insecure (why can't he be my husband? why can't those kids be ours together and not his with her?) and I really didn't feel like getting all emotional and crying and dealing with my shit right then and there so I paid for my Dad's card and left. I felt uneasy for the rest of the day, and yesterday and this morning when we woke up. When C said "Happy Father's Day to me" before I had a chance to say it to him, I felt like the biggest asshole and the most insensitive fucking moron that ever lived. When he found out that I didn't even get him a card (I explained most of the above, leaving out the "Boo hoo, I felt insecure and weird" part), he was disappointed. And then he left.

So, I've been doing some thinking. And, I've been doing some writing in my paper journal. I still don't feel better and I'm hoping that confessing to you, Diaryland reader, will help me feel better. I don't know what's wrong with me. I sincerely didn't mean to hurt him. I guess I am still struggling with this whole thing, even after almost 8 months. I don't know that he and I can make this work. I know that if we can't, it's because of me and my hang-ups and insecurity. I used to think that we could survive all of this and make it work because we love each other and are both committed to making it work and endure. Now, I'm just not so sure and that thought scares the hell out of me. Can I take the responsibility for ruining the best thing that ever happened to me? Can I live with myself if I do that? Not likely. But, do I have the strength to get over it, to handle whatever comes my (our) way and not get insecure and hurt? I'm seriously doubting that right now.

I can't even think clearly and I'm so disappointed in myself for disappointing and hurting him. I should have sucked it up and bought a card no matter how weird I felt and given it to him with a smile. Sometimes, though, I just can't fake it and it's unfortunate that I happened to pick a time like this, an important day for C, to draw my line in the sand. Will I ever learn?

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