2003-05-17 - 10:02 a.m.

All I ever wanted was to meet a great guy, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. As I got older and remained single, I knew that there was a pretty high chance that if my dream really did come true after all this time (and believe me, I was having my doubts) that Prince Charming would be divorced. It's just the reality of the situation and I'm pretty sure I was okay with it in theory. I guess the thought also crossed my mind that if he were divorced, he might have a kid or two out there somewhere.

Then I met C and I knew he was divorced and I knew about one kid, his daughter who lives with him, before I even went on a date with him. After our first (really awesome) date, I knew he also had two sons who live with his ex-wife, who he sees 3-4 times a week. It freaked me out at first, I admit. But, I figured that my track record with relationships has never been that great so why stress when he'd likely dump me after a couple of weeks anyway. Boy was I wrong! It's been almost 7 months and we are totally in love and talking about marriage...everything I ever wanted.

The thing is, I'm screwing everything up because (I think) I'm getting overwhelmed with the kids situation. I know I shouldn't. It's stupid to compete with an innocent child and just because C loves them and spends time with them does not mean that he loves me less. After all, if he were a bad father, I would not still be with him. It's such a catch 22. I want him to want to spend as much time with me as possible but I know that the reason he can't is a good, worthy one. He's not out with the guys getting drunk all the time, cheating on me or anything like that. Why is nothing ever enough for me?

I guess the bottom line is that I'm extremely insecure. I want C all to myself. That just ain't gonna happen so I need to find a way to be happy and satisfied with what I have (which is a lot, by the way). I also maybe need to find other things to do to occupy myself when he isn't with me. I certainly don't want to be one of those women who puts all of herself into her relationship and ends up resentful when her man wants to go golfing or whatever. I think it's healthy to each have outside interests. It's not like I don't see friends and do other things without C. I guess I just need to do more and dwell less on his absence. I have to remind myself that when we're apart, he still loves me. I have to remind myself that things will get better and I will see more of him than I probably want when we're married (ha).

I just hope that he can put up with me while I'm working through all of this. The last thing I want is to sabotage this incredible relationship because I'm neurotic. I hope I can do the right thing and allow myself the happiness I have always wanted.

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