2003-05-12 - 11:25 a.m.

Because I know you're all dying to know: I ended up getting another bead on my navel ring. It's a red heart. Yes, I had had a few drinks before I went to the piercing place, so what? I'm hoping it grows on me because it looks and feels (because it's a bit bigger than what I'm used to) funny.

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I guess the gym is working for me because C told me the other night when we were falling asleep that he misses the flesh on my thighs when he spoons me. He says that now it's just bony and not as comfortable/cushion-y. It's not really bony, trust me on this. I think it's just the angle because when I look in the mirror, I still see saddlebags and cellulite (pretty). I'm still going to keep going to the gym, though, and today I have a new t-shirt that C gave me from his new company. I'm gonna make everyone jealous. I have new shorts for tomorrow, too. I have to motivate myself somehow, right? ________________________________________

So, Friday after work I went for a couple of beers (well, I went for one but had two...which is in itself a record for me. 1 usually turns into about four) and ended up telling the 3 co-workers I was with that C is divorced with 3 kids. I expect random people from the floor to stop and ask me about it any minute now. Actually, it felt kind of liberating to get it off my chest and I'm hoping that now that everyone who sits within ear-shot of me knows, that I don't have to talk in code when talking to C or about his kids on the phone. We'll see.

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One final note: C is now a smoker again. I'm not happy about it because I really do not want to marry and live with a smoker but I also know that C is the right one for me, he treats me incredibly well, loves and respects me, and we are great together. So, I need to remember that and try (try, try, try) not to let this one "flaw" get in the way of a really great relationship. It's just sometimes easier said than done but I know that I will be happier and better off with him (even as a smoker) than without. He keeps promising me that he's going to quit. I believe that he thinks that's the way it's going to work but I don't want him to make promises to me that he may not be able to keep (he promised me months ago that he wouldn't go back to smoking and he's a smoker now). I don't know what to do so I'm just letting it play itself out (and trying to keep cool and quiet about it). He told me Saturday that he'd be a non-smoker when he asked me to marry him and that would be soon. I can't even hear stuff like that because it makes me feel like he'll now never propose because he can't quit smoking!

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