2003-04-23 - 10:48 a.m.

This relationship has suddenly got me very overwhelmed. I'm not sure what it is that's making me feel this way all of a sudden, but I know what brought it to light. The thing is, I'm even ashamed to put it down in my diary because it's really petty but I need to vent to feel at least more in control of my whacked out emotions.

Monday night after I went to the Red Sox game with my mother, aunt and cousin, C met us for a drink while we ate dinner. Then he and I went to a bar near his house and while we were there he told me he wanted to come and stay at my house. I was really tired as it had been a long day but of course I wanted to be with him. I feel like I would always do anything to be with him, even if I'm not feeling 100% myself. I think maybe that's my first mistake, that maybe I need to do more stuff for myself and not be so dependent on him. But, there's little chance of changing myself on that because I feel like that's part of my personality. It's most likely connected to the "eager to please" thing I have going on.

Anyway, we left the bar and C needed to go home and talk to his daughter, get his work boots, whatever and then we'd take off for my place. We hung out for a bit and then I left and he said, "I'm right behind you." Well, I got about 10 minutes from my place and he called to say that they were still talking and that he was tired and then by the time he got to my place it would be late and he'd just want to go to bed so he wasn't coming. I was really disappointed and told him so. I just felt like if he was tired in the first place, why'd he even tell me he was coming over. This is something that I should have gotten over in a few minutes, but no, not me.

This led to a chain of thoughts that drove, and continue to drive, me crazy. Last week C had suggested that we take a day off work this week to shop for a new car for me. I was psyched that he would do that for me and was looking forward to having a day all to ourselves. Then he later said that he didn't want to take a day off. I was disappointed but got over it (I really did). Then about a day later he told me that he was making Wednesday (today) his last day of work (he starts his new job on Monday but Friday was originally to be his last day at his current job) that he wanted to spend time with his kids while they were on school vacation. This bothered me because he wouldn't take a day off to be with me but then decided to take 2 days off for his kids. I think that if he'd never suggested it in the first place, it never would have occurred to me to feel slighted. Again, I got over it but it was sort of hovering at the back of my mind. The couple of times it surfaced before Monday night, I pushed it aside because I know that his kids have every right to have time with their father and he with them, I knew what I was getting myself into when I first started dating this divorced man with 3 children and I just simply cannot always get my way. Basically, I told myself to stop being such a fucking baby and get over it. So, I tried doing that Monday night, too but instead found myself that night and all day yesterday dwelling on it and connecting the two situations. I was sad, pissed off and disappointed in myself for being so selfish. I was just miserable and could not shake it. When C called me during the day at work, it was all I could do to keep from crying when he confirmed that today would be his last day and that he was going to do something with his daughter Thursday or Friday. I brought up the car-shopping thing and he offered to go one of the two days. I told him to forget it, I'll do it on my own. I could hear how thick my voice was from holding back the hurt and the tears.

When he came over last night I made a huge mess of everything. He could tell something was wrong and I didn't deny it but just said that I had a lot of stuff on my mind. He of course wanted to know what was bothering me but I didn't want to tell him because I feel so stupid and immature for competing with 3 innocent children. I finally did tell him but I still don't think he really gets what my deal is. I told him I'm overwhelmed and feel insecure and jealous and that I hate myself for it. There was a lot of silent tension (I wish to God that when something is bothering me that I could still talk and be normal while my emotions are going crazy but I cannot seem to figure out how to pull that off), tears and raised voices. He said he had no idea when we talked during the day that something was bothering me, that he didn't hear it in my voice. He said that if I was feeling that way that I should have told him not to come over, that I would get in touch with him when I was ready. I just don't see that going over well either. I can't seem to figure out which way to go with this stuff, how best to act and handle such sticky situations.

I at one point blew up and said that I do everything for him - go to all-ages shows with him and his daughter that I don't want to, have his kids over (the boys even slept over Friday night) and even go to his ex-wife's house. Yes, I went with C Easter night to see the boys and met the ex-wife for the first time. So, maybe that's what's really been causing me to feel overwhelmed. It's certainly a possibility but the thing is that I never felt overwhelmed by it before we went, while we were there or after. I certainly don't want to be miserable and I'm already sick of crying. I certainly don't want to be a bitch and make C miserable either. But, like I said, I don't know what's got me feeling like this but it's still there and I feel really out of sorts, not myself. I feel that confidence I once had in myself and my relationship is now gone. It really makes me sad and I don't know if this is a temporary feeling or not. I hope it is. I hope that tomorrow or some day soon I feel that old elated feeling that I've gotten so accustomed to and that all this other stuff seems like just a small bump in the road.

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