2003-04-15 - 2:54 p.m.

I had so much awesome quality time with C this weekend, it really rocked. I figure I should remind myself of this because I'm about to spout some negativity and I feel like I'm going to contradict myself. The thing is, I've been letting this stew for about 48 hours and I'm just not getting over it. I guess it's time to vent.

C asked me to go with him and his daughter to an all-ages show on Sunday. I agreed even though I don't know, and he told me I would not like, the bands. I really wanted us to go car shopping because I keep going back and forth on whether I really should get a new car this Spring like I'd planned and finally decided that I was going to do it. A bunch of people were getting together in the afternoon to watch the Bruins game at a Chinese restaurant, too and I would have loved to have gone. But, I also wanted to continue spending time with C and I want his daughter and I to spend more time together. So, we went and picked her up and drove to Providence. When she got into the car, she announced that she also wanted to catch this other show that night. I had known about this beforehand and because it was in a restaurant, it would be likely that a 13-year-old could see the band without trouble. I never mentioned it to C because it was a Sunday night, a school night, and wasn't starting until 9:00. Sunday night is my night to get to bed early and I always assume that most people do the same - especially 8th graders.

When we got to the club, there were no cars in the parking lot - bad sign. Long story short, it was at a completely different place, much closer to home, but by that time, it was too late to try to catch the show. As we drove back and discussed what to do (I offered that we go to Old Navy or something to do some shopping or something like that), C's daughter became pissy because we eventually decided to catch the Bruins game with our friends. C told her that he might come back afterwards and pick her up for the evening show. As she continued to "have an attitude," he threatened that he'd never take her to a show again. She asserted that it didn't have anything to do with a show and that he just didn't get it.

So, we get back to their house and the 3 of us go in so C can check the Internet for the real location of the show and change his shirt. I wait in the other room while he goes to talk to her and she repeats the thing about it not being about a show. It's just that he was "going out with his friends and leaving me alone, like you always do!" Arrrgh, it was a fucking knife in my heart. I tried really hard not to take this as a personal attack about his spending so much time with me every weekend (she spends something like 18 hours per week (including sleeping) at her mother's where the boys spend something like 18 hours of awake time with C each week plus about 24 hours (including sleeping) every other weekend). Plus, his daughter is home with him every afternoon and night with the exception of Saturday nights and every other Friday, which he spends with me. I feel like I don't see enough of C but I suck it up because he has obligations to his kids and I completely understand that. Of course, I'm a thirty-plus year old woman, not a thirteen-year-old girl and I should be understanding and accepting. After hearing what she had to say (I couldn't help but hear), I suggested that he drop me at my place so I could get my car and meet our friends out so he could come back for some quality time with his daughter. No go and he said something like, "now everyone is pissed at me."

Still, I tried to keep it together because I knew if C knew I was upset and feeling guilty he'd be upset and pissed. It didn't work. I have the worst poker face ever and can almost never will myself not to cry when I'm upset. He knew when we were in the car and I was looking out my side window that I was crying. When I told him why I was upset - that I was mostly feeling guilty and that she was upset because of me - he told me that she would feel really bad that she made me feel that way. I begged him not to tell her. The last thing I want is to feel even more awkward around her (I'm not really awkward but we're still at that getting to know you stage). He told me that she was just being a spoiled brat, that she doesn't really want to spend time with him, she just wants to be taken to a show or something, and that she was totally appeased by his telling her we'd come back to take her to the Middle East that night. I don't know. Part of me believes that - that she just wanted to get her way but she made such a point about it not being about a show.

Anyway, when we went back to get her she was all giddy about going. This giddiness increased to breathlessness as we were leaving after having met her idol. So, she was all happy because she got her way. It irked me but I'm not very used to dealing with teenagers. Afterwards, she did not even thank her father for taking her someplace he really didn't want to go, letting her stay out so late on a school night (I know I don't have kids but I would never-ever allow my child that luxury... especially for a local musician who plays out a lot and will eventually do an afternoon all-ages show), buying a disposable camera so that we could take pictures of the two of them and agreeing to letting her go to school late the next day. Furthermore, I was not thanked by her for going someplace I didn't want to go, staying out way past my usual Sunday night bedtime, introducing her to her idol (I've known him for some time and consider him a friend) and taking their picture. I really didn't expect her to thank me but it really rubbed me the wrong way that she wasn't appreciative to her father and in fact made a stink about his not letting her miss school the next day.

So, what this all boils down to is that I'm still pissed 48 hours later. I'm annoyed that I felt guilty. I'm annoyed that I don't get to see C as much as I'd like and am still made to feel bad about the time that he does spend with me. I've said before that it's up to him to manage his time and how much time he spends with his kids and how much time he spends away from them, with me. But, I don't take too kindly to being manipulated and made to feel bad. Of course, I take complete responsibility for allowing myself to feel guilty. I have to work on that. I'm just trying to get past this, to work it out on my own and move on. I just feel really sad and it's making it harder to get past. I know that when we're married and living together, this problem will all but take care of itself. But, it hurts now (and I know I can be overly sensitive) and I need to deal with it. In the big scheme of things, this should be no big deal.

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