2003-03-29 - 9:43 a.m.

Would you believe that I was sore from that kickboxing class until yesterday? The class was Tuesday. Jeez, I am way more out of shape than I thought. Still, I think I might go back. I kept up pretty well and figure I can't be as sore the second time around as I was the first. Right? Something tells me I'm a sap. I'm patting myself on the back for continuing to go to the gym for the rest of the week, even though it was agony to rise from a sitting position or walk up a flight of stairs.

So, C was finally cleaning out the inside of his car yesterday after the unfortunate stealing incident. The punks ripped out his cup holder and threw a bottle of mouthwash all over the place (they also stole about 400 CDs, burnt the leather interior with the car lighter, ripped the leather off the seats and completely pulled the glove box out - the dumbasses left all his hockey stuff, which is really expensive, though). For weeks the dash has been streaked with dried sticky mouthwash. He took everything apart and washed it in the dishwasher (who knew you could do such a thing?) and in the process somehow managed to break the ignition. When he called me to tell me this, I thought I could feel fire coming out of his mouth and across the phone line. It's possible, right? Anyway, he had to work at 6:00 today so I gave him my car (it's not like I ever go anywhere before noon on a Saturday). I have lots of lounging to do!

I really had wanted to stay in and cook dinner, relax and all that stuff tonight but it turns out he sort of told his daughter that he'd take her and one of her friends to Providence for an all-ages show tonight. He wants me to go. My first reaction, and I really hate myself for this, was jealousy. I want my way and I thought we'd made plans to be alone together tonight. I didn't say anything, I'm trying to be good. I was able to mask my disappointment about wanting to get my own way through the fact that I don't care for the bands that are playing. Then I asked how he planned on driving them since he had no car. I told him he could take my car, which I have no problem with at all. I just don't feel like going. But, what am I going to do, sit home alone? That's no fun (okay, it is sometimes but I did a lot of that while I waited for my Prince Charming to come along). I know he'd be disappointed if I didn't go because he wants to spend time with me. I'm just annoyed that he somehow forgot (or maybe misinterpreted) our plans. I know that he's pulled in lots of different directions with his responsibilities to his kids. I know that. I just want my own way. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. What I really want is for him to tell me these things in advance and/or remember when he makes plans with me. I know some things are going to come up and I'm going to take a backseat. I understand this, I do. But, an all-ages punk show, in my opinion, does not fit into that category.

Okay, so I feel much better now that I've vented. Maybe I'll even calmly and maturely be able to express some of this to C. I'm always just hesitant because I know how selfish it all sounds. What can I say? I'm madly in love with him and want him all to myself. I just need to get over that because, as I've said before, it's never gonna happen.

In other crappy news, my mortgage payment (I closed on my condo four years ago today!) is going up almost $100 per month for at least the next year. It's because my real estate taxes went up so much and there needs to be more in the escrow account. I hate that! I was all psyched that my last school loan from grad school will be paid off this year and I was totally planning on buying a new car very soon (like we were going to start shopping this weekend). Now, I have to re-think this. My main goal is really saving for our house and the more I research the less confident I feel about finding anything suitable for under $300,000. It's out of control, but what can we do? Hopefully, I can get good money when I sell the condo and that will help out. Still, if someone told me last October that I'd be thinking like this in March I would have told them they were crazy. It's nice to have such a dilemma.

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