2003-03-21 - 10:54 a.m.

I've been hateful towards my co-workers these past couple of days, mostly because they have little-to-no concern about others' workloads or their need to concentrate. Who knows? Maybe when things are quiet for me I'm loud and obnoxious and cause my co-workers to lose their concentration. Nah, not me. But, besides their loudness and all, they also say offensive things. I heard them talking about how another co-worker should shave his beard so he doesn't "look like an Arab." Hmmm, I think I hate them all.

In other news, I'm not going to the gym at lunch today. I joined about 2 weeks ago and have been very faithful about going. I went every day except Friday (because I was exhausted after a late night at Bill's Bar the night before) last week and have gone every day so far this week. So, I decided that since A) I have no clean sports bras and B) It's Friday (Thank Christ!) I'm just not going. Plus, I need something other than a soup cup and Saltines for lunch. I do hope, however, to keep up this newly reinstated good habit. I figure if I go 4 days a week, that's good.

C and I had a talk last night that made me nervous. He said he was thinking a lot yesterday and is worried that things might not work out for us the way he wants...because he thinks that his "situation" as we call it, will just be too much for me and that I'll walk away. I guess I maybe brought this on by telling him of my concerns. I'm worried and concerned that when we are married and living together that I'll be a horrible step-parent to his kids, especially his daughter who he has custody of. The thing about her is, we get along really well. We like the same bands and have crushes on the same guys (my brother excluded, she LOVES him, and while I see the appeal, he's my brother. Come on, I'm no Angelina Jolie). I just worry that when my role changes from "Dad's cool girlfriend with the 'hott' rock star brother" to "Stepmother" (ugh, that sounds gross and weird and awkward and not me at all) that I won't handle it the right way. Like, I won't know what to do when I want to yell at her for leaving dishes in the sink but feel like it's not my place but also that I don't want to be the bad guy. Anyway, C and I talked about this when I voiced my concerns and we agreed that we'll set parameters beforehand and that she will respect me as the adult, etc. I felt much better and really I had just needed to get it off my chest. But, by doing that, I made him nervous, which was not my intention at all. He was apparently discussing all of this with some woman at work and she told him to stop thinking for me. Bravo! So, I think he feels better now because he knows that he shouldn't make such assumptions, but also because I told him, as I've said in the past, I knew about his three kids almost 5 months ago and if I wanted nothing to do with such a situation, I would have walked away a long time ago - certainly before I fell in love with him. Yeah, it's not always easy for me - I feel jealous and insecure a lot when it comes to the kids but I know to keep my mouth shut, ride it out and get over it (after all, they're not going anywhere). I also feel insecure about the future - like I said, how good of a stepmother could I be? I just want to do the right thing and also gain the respect of C's kids. Everyone hates their stepmother, am I doomed?

I guess the bottom line is that we just need to try to discuss and plan as much as we can ahead of time and then handle things as they come up on a case-by-case basis. As long as we love and respect each other, we can make it work. God, I hope I'm not being naive.

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