2003-03-10 - 2:01 p.m.

Oh Jeez, now I have baby fever, I think. I went to my friend T's house on Saturday for lunch because I haven't seen her since August (yikes!) and I hadn't met her son who was born in August, just a few days before my niece. Anyway, T, her husband and the baby just seem so happy and the baby was so well behaved that I got that "I want a baby" pang. I didn't realize it at the time but announced it to C that night at dinner. I told him I knew he wasn't sure about having another, etc. and he said, "I think it's you who's always been unsure about it" as if to say, in a really nice way, "Don't blame this on me, you psycho, when you constantly say 'I don't know if I want kids'!" Okay, so I'm still ambiguous, but less so than I've almost ever been...at least in the past 10 years.

C and I had a few of these serious talks this weekend. Another was about his true financial situation. I'm kind of depressed and disappointed now. He wants our house to be in both of our names, understandably, but it sounds like his credit is so screwed up that that may be impossible - or at least impossible for the very near future. I, being so impatient and goal oriented, want it all now. I want to start the pre-approval process (won't we have a better idea of what we're up against?), start looking at houses and just start progressing. I did tell C that I really want to be engaged before we buy a house, though, and he agreed. I know he needs to save up for the ring and I think that will take a very long time. Later, I suggested that maybe a temporary solution to my "I want it all and I want it now" problem is that he move in with me in my condo. He said he'd think about it. Of course, it wouldn't just be him, it would also be his daughter. That might be a really huge adjustment for all three of us. I don't know, there's a lot to think about and I'm driving myself crazy. Repeat after me - "One step at a time!"

Yesterday while C was reading the paper and drinking coffee after breakfast, I went into the second bedroom to check my e-mail. While I was in there, I discovered two water stains on the ceiling, above the bed. I'm not sure how long they've been there because I'm not in that room every day. It didn't seem that anything leaked down on the bed, though. Anyway, C went up into the attic to check things out. I've never been up there, nor do I have anything stored up there - yet. While he was up there, he found a tallboy Miller Lite can and 2 porn flick packages. Huh? Was my attic some den of iniquity for some previous owner or perhaps the construction guys? I wish they'd at least left the videos in the boxes. I really want to see the "Pearl Necklace Video" now!

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